"If aspects of the person remain undigested--cut off, denied, projected, rejected, indulged, or otherwise unassimilated--they become the points around which the core forces of greed, hatred, and delusion attach themselves. They are black holes that absorb fear and create the defensive posture of the isolated self, unable to make satisfying contact with others or with the world. As Wilhelm Reich demonstrated in his groundbreaking work on the formation of character, the personality is built on these points of self-estrangement; the paradox is that what we take to be so real, our selves, is constructed out of a reaction against just what we do not wish to acknowledge. We tense up around that which we are denying, and we experience ourselves through our tensions..."

Thoughts without a Thinker, Mark Epstein

page 19

Got a tow from a guy named Joe
Cost me sixty dollars hope I don't run out of dough
Told me bout a sex offense 'put him three days in jail
I'm stuck in Indianapolis, hope I live to tell the tale

Can't go west, can't go east
I'm stuck in Indianapolis with a fuel pump that's deceased
Ten days on the road now I'm four hours from my home town
Is this hell or Indianapolis with no way to get around

Called my girl to tell her of the trouble that I'd had
First time I called her in ten days, guess that made her mad
Far as she's concerned I belong in this Hoosier state
Stuck in Indianapolis with no way to set things straight

Can't go west, can't go east
I'm stuck in Indianapolis with a fuel pump that's deceased
Ten days on the road now I'm four hours from my home town
Is this hell or Indianapolis with no way to get around

Sitting in this bar is getting to be more than I can stand
If I could catch a ride I really think I'd ditch this van
Who knows what this repair will cost, I'm scared to spend a dime
And I'll puke if that jukebox plays John Cougar one more time

If I ever leave here I hope never to return
If I get that van back, Man, the road I'm gonna burn
Right now my future's in the hands of them boys down at Firestone
Stuck in Indianapolis feeling all alone

Can't go west, can't go east
I'm stuck in Indianapolis with a fuel pump that's deceased
Ten days on the road now I'm four hours from my home town
Is this hell or Indianapolis with no way to get around

Is this hell or Indianapolis with no way to get around

All non-believers stand aside and fear
A new days marching through the door
How could you ever think you'd make it here?
Did it bleed? Was it sore?
through the struggles you've endured

You've come so far from innocence
Provided all the consequence
Only what does it matter now?

Cause you're going home
You're running free
As only you would be if you never owed them anything
And now you've found your way out
In the trust you've seen your path on home

Spend your time well before you go
Here in hell

Your living ends before the engineer
What was your motive in this fight?
(did they play you for the weaker of them?)
How could you ever think you'd make it here?
Was it greed that pushed your heart through the struggles you've endured?

You've come so far from innocence
Provided all the consequence
Only what does it matter now?

Cause you're going home
You're running free
As only you would be if you never owed them anything
And now you've found your way out
In the trust you've seen your path on home

Spend your time well before you go
Here in hell

There's a hell in all of us

I wanna ask you -
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?

Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me)
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
We're
Damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliche,
But we carried on anyway.

So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me

If I'm the person that you think I am
Clueless chump you seem to think I am
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the fuck would you want me back?!

Maybe it's because

(You don't know me at all)

So, what I'm trying to say is
What (What?)
I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

What?

Found out that my father was diagnosed with cancer of the prostate today.  He'd had some tests a couple of weeks ago due to some problems the doctor was concerned about.  My mom's a mess, my grandfather died from prostate cancer at about the same age as my father.  We're waiting until Thursday to get the information on the extent and severity of it.

(Update on this story)  The guy selling me the car was set to install some parts, such as the rear disc brake conversion kit and a new front lip to protect the intercooler over the weekend. Sunday I got the text message from the guy that he'd wrecked the car fucking around with it. Way to go, douchebag. Glad I hadn't handed any money over yet.

I did locate and buy a protential project car, though not nearly as crazy. A 1998 Sentra SE, 5 spd manual with the infamous SR20 motor. Its a rust free texas car and parked happily in my lot right now. It gets a throrough going over and basic tune up on Wednesday, then its off to the suspension shop for Koni adjustables and lowering springs, and a better set of tires and wheels. Step one of poor man's Sentra SE-R is under way.


Just picked up a mint 91 civic hatch. It is a rust free car and came from Arizona. The body is in great shape for the age of the car, it does have a few little digs but nothing major at all. The car now has a turboed 1.8(ls) motor and was converted to 0BD1 so it could be tuned. Its tuned on chrome by a buddy of mine and is putting down right around 300hp at the wheels per dyno run. Going to be taking it out to the raceway park and on cruise nights here in Greenwood.

Specs-

Motor:
Stock B18b1
MSD Wires
MSD Ignition Box
MSD Blaster Coil
OBD 1 Chrome Tuned

Turbo goods:
Spoolin Performance Quick 4 manifold
57trim turbo
Tial 44mm V-band Wastegate
Go-autoworks Backdoor intercooler
Go-autoworks intercooler piping
Synapes BOV
Percision 525 injectors
Walbro 255 fuel pump

Trans:
Hyrdo GSR trans that was rebuilt with a new 4th gear and an OBX LSD
ACT 6 puck sprung disc and heavy duty pressure plate
Hasport B series shift linkage

Suspension:
Tokico Struts
Skunk 2 Sleeves
Skunk 2 Lower Control Arms
Avid Racing traction bars

Interior: (still full interior)
F1spec Carbon Seat(1)
Takata Harness(1)
B&M Short Shifter
Buddy Club Shift Knob
Nardi Classic 330 Wheel

Wheels/Tires:
Rota Slip Streams (pink)
Kumho Ecsta AST Tires
ARP extended studs (all 4 wheels)
Buddy Club Lug nuts

I know that you're in there
I can see you
You're saying you're okay
I don't believe you

And now that the gig is up, the spell is broken
The fat lady's sung, the president has spoken
These days that you were waiting for will come and go
Like any day, just another day

There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you
While the world is watching,
All you need is the thing you've forgotten
And that's to learn to live with what you are

So freak out if you wanna
And I'll still be here
Don't call me for years and when you do
Yeah, I'll still be here

And I'm not saying that the effort is a waste of time, but I
Just love you for the things you couldn't change, though you've tried
These hours of confusion they will soon expire like
Everything does

There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you
While the world is watching,
All you need is the thing you've forgotten
And that's to learn to live with what you are

Sometimes everything you've ever wanted floats above
It's stickin' out its tongue and laughing while
Everything that anyone could ever need is down below
Waiting for you, know this

There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you
While the world is watching,
'Cause all you need is the thing you've forgotten
And that's to learn to live with what you are
You've got to learn to live with what you are
You've got to learn to live with what you...

Are

Well if this doesn't terrify you into a coma, I'm not sure what will. Furry has once again made the news media, and this time the outlook is far more bleak than just nerds bashing other nerds on the internet-


Taken from: http://www.thepittsburghchannel.com/news/19604318/detail.html

HARRISBURG, Pa. -- A former member of an Allegheny County state legislator's staff allegedly had computer chats with a teenage boy about dressing in animal costumes and having sex, Pennsylvania Attorney General Tom Corbett said.Alan David Berlin worked in the Senate about a decade, including the last several years with Sen. Jane Orie, R-McCandless, who said Berlin "was immediately and indefinitely suspended" with no pay or benefits when she learned of the allegations."As a former ten-year veteran prosecutor who specialized in prosecuting child abuse and child sexual assault cases and successfully convicted numerous sex offenders, I was shocked and appalled," Orie said in a statement Friday evening, adding that Berlin has been fired. "I fully and staunchly support the actions of the Attorney General's Office in investigating and prosecuting all child abuse and sexual assault cases -- including the work of the AG's Child Predator Unit."Berlin, 40, of Carlisle, allegedly used the chat name "alan_panda_bear" and talked about various sex acts with the teen, including the idea of traveling to Harrisburg and having sex in the boy's back yard while his parents slept, Corbett said."Berlin is also accused of attempting to arrange a meeting between the boy and another adult, and offered to get them a hotel room if Berlin could take photos of them having sex," according to the criminal complaint, Corbett said.The boy's parents contacted authorities after finding sexually graphic messages on his computer, Corbett said.Investigators from Corbett's office found a wolf and cat-type costume in Berlin's home, a spokesman said.Berlin was arraigned before District Judge George Zozos and taken to the Dauphin County Jail on $250,000 bail. It wasn't clear if Berlin had a lawyer. His preliminary hearing is scheduled for June 5.











The furry fandom to me, at best, has been a shaky thing for awhile. I'm never sure if its worth hanging around in hoping things get better and a focus shifts back to material culture and art, but I'm speechless. In general, it probably means a much more scrutinizing look at the furry fandom as a whole not only by the public, well after the negative stereotypes were portrayed in the MTV's and CSI's of the last few years, but also in a legal perspective. Perhaps the anything-goes attitude has reached its end.

Oh, and this my most recent project for a film I'm working on- completed by NorthfurFX studios, and making its debut this weekend for its trial run. My thanks to NorthfurFX for all of their hard work.

I probably should post an entry here. Its been quite awhile since I have, and I figure that most of you think I don't read your journals. Matter of fact is, I keep this around because I read your journals, it makes a simple way for me to keep track of how everyone I know is doing. The last honest to god text post that was in this journal was back in 2008. As some of you may or may not know, in July of 2008 I got engaged to be married. She took a job in Central Indiana working with deaf children, so I quit my therapy practice of six years and moved with her. Though we love each other very much, its been a complete comedy of errors and nightmares both financially and health wise. She's had serious ongoing kidney problems, and I discovered around Christmastime of this year that I had several large ulcers in my esophagus and stomach, and that the damage was severe enough that it may require surgery. I've been on meds for awhile now for it, which seems to have healed it enough that I can avoid it, which is some good news. We have our own place, which we're thankful for, since October. Those of you in the know are acquainted with its location, if you'd like to know message me privately and I will fill you in on the details. The chevy I was driving had a serious drivetrain failure at only 24k miles, I hadn't even had it a full year yet. After a month of bad service from the dealership and run arounds on parts availability, it was traded for a new Hyundai Santa Fe SE, which my fiancee and I love. Much nicer vehicle, and we have all of the options in it. I'll find some pictures to post. If all that sounds strange, "Chevy? What? A Hyundai?" I quit street racing in January of 2008,(see older post further down) and sold both of my modified cars. About three weeks ago I was laid off the job I took down here, as a social worker for a major retirement and nursing home facility. They had major staff cutbacks, and due to low seniority, I was one of the unlucky ones. I hated the job, and actually am glad I don't work there anymore, but finding new work has been slow at best. I have unemployment benefits for the time and being, and am trying to keep myself mentally occupied with walks, playing with our black german shepherd puppy, Gabu, and once again deliving into Second Life to try my hand at making things. If you're suprised to see me on there, it has been nearly eight months since my last login. Over the last seven months I've made and lost friends, been close to giving up and heading back north, and have had some fun times as well. I'd like to organize some kind of furry or fursuit event for people who are serious about participating, but I'm never sure where to start anymore. I was at MFF this past year, and alot of the shine and fun of the fandom seems to have fizzled, that or I'm getting older and am thinking more about other things now. I left early, and didn't have much to report aside from running into a few people I haven't seen in ages, and getting to stay with my friend Tom.

Well, that's it I guess. I'll post something else here later on.

Identities assume us
As nine and five add up
Synchronizing watches
In the seconds that we lost
I looked up and saw you
And I know that you saw me
We froze but for a moment
In empathy

I brought down the sky for you
But all you did was shrug
You gave my emptiness a name

But you ran away

Now all my friends are gone
Maybe we've outgrown
All the things that  we once loved

Ran away

But what are we running from?
A show of hands from those
In this audience of one
Where have they gone?

Dear god,
Hope you got the letter,
And I pray you can make it better down here.
I dont mean a big reduction in the price of beer,
But all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet,
cause they dont get enough to eat

From god,

I cant believe in you.

Dear god,
Sorry to disturb you,
But I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in amount of tears,
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street,
cause they cant make opinions meet,

About god,

I cant believe in you.

Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind after we made you?
And the devil too!

Dear god,
Dont know if you noticed,
But your name is on a lot of quotes in this book.
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true.
Well I know it aint and so do you,

Dear god,

I cant believe in,
I dont believe in,

I wont believe in heaven and hell.
No saints, no sinners,
No devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
Youre always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
And its the same the whole world round.
The hurt I see helps to compound,
That the father, son and holy ghost,
Is just somebodys unholy hoax,
And if youre up there youll perceive,
That my hearts here upon my sleeve.
If theres one thing I dont believe in...

Its you,

Dear god.

A thousand times I’ve seen you standing
Gravity like a lunar landing
Make me want to run till I find you
I shut the world away from here
Drift to you, you’re all I hear
Everything we know fades to black

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

Find the place where we escape
Take you with me for a space
The city buzz, sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I had to find just where you are
The faces seems to blur, they’re all the same

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

So much more to say
So much to be done
Don’t you trick me out
We shall overcome
So all have stayed in place

We should have had the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we’re over here...

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time, too long defending
You and I are done pretending

I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
Everything will change

I, oh I,
I  wish this could last forever
I, oh I,
As if we could last forever

Love remains the same, love remains the same...

Manic depression is touching my soul
I know what I want but I just dont know
How to, go about gettin it
Feeling sweet feeling,
Drops from my fingers, fingers
Manic depression is catchin my soul

Woman so weary, the sweet cause in vain
You make love, you break love
Its all the same
When its, when its over, mama
Music, sweet music
I wish I could caress, caress, caress
Manic depression is a frustrating mess

Well, I think Ill go turn myself off,
And go on down
All the way down
Really aint no use in me hanging around
In your kinda scene

Music, sweet music
I wish I could caress, caress, caress
Manic depression is a frustrating mess

So this is my first post in awhile. I have to apologize, I don't post quite as frequently as many of you do, because I talk to most of you on a pretty regular basis.

Its safe to say that things are somewhat desperate lately. Plans for my final internship have fallen through, the garuntee of having my practicum hours at my current employer as per my contract was gone back upon, so I'm left with no alternatives. I'd have to quit my job to work things out right now, so I may consider dropping out of the program all together, or postponing my internship until all of my coursework is completed, which means I will graduate out of sequence.

The day I found this out, I noticed my dog, Shadow, was having difficulty urinating, and seemed to be in pain. I took him to the vet, and was informed that he had a serious blockage from his kidneys to his bladder, consisting of large kidney stones. If his system becomes blocked, we have about 12 hours to rush him to a vet for emergency surgery, or he will die. We're up monitoring him now all hours. He's otherwise very healthy, and it sickened me to hear that most people opt to put their animals down, when the surgery has an extremely high recovery rate. And then I got the bill estimate.

His surgery is scheduled for this coming Monday, and I eschewed the last of my savings to pay for it. If you've any kindness in your hearts, please pray for his safe surgery and recovery. My family and I love him very much, and are very worried for him right now.

We love you, Shadow.

I'm sorry, everyone- Things this semester have been incredibly busy, and I haven't gotten to posting much here.  Right now, my internship is nearly over, I have two more weeks before its completed, and I will have more free time then. I have been trying to keep myself busy fursuiting and working with my costumes over the last few months, however.

I'm grateful for the warmer spring weather, its been such a long winter. Its great to get outside again. I'm hoping to do alot of fursuiting this summer and really enjoy myself outside.

In case you missed it, I was at Furry Connection North, in Ann Arbor, Michigan two weeks ago. By far the best convention I've ever been to- such a wonderful, friendly and social atmosphere. Great fursuiting, great partying, very nice hotel. I will be back again next year. I participated in my first furry variety show as well. Below is a link to the video, shot by my friend Erin-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8fP3wouO7I

I'm considering going to Morphicon in May, but that will depend on money and time I can get off from work. You can count on me for MFF in November, but lets not rush the summer just yet.

I hope that everyone is doing fine. You can still find me online, particularly on Second Life and Yahoo IM as Reynard Swindlehurst.  As things ease up, I will try to post here more often.

Thanks for bearing with me, everyone.

Alot going on lately!

Since Christmas, I've been spending a lot of time with the Indy furries, and have been having a really good time. They're all a good crew, and genuinely, we have much better times together than I had back up north with the more local group. Its worth the drive every time.

Just started my internship at school, I can't believe I'm getting into my third year already. Soon it will be over and done with. Work has been a little less than cooperative with my internship hours, so unfortunately for them, I expect some of my vacation and personal time to get used due to upcoming call offs. I like what I'm doing at my internship alot better than what I'm doing at work now already.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering-

I am on FurAffinity now. Reynard_Swindlehurst is my username- do look me up!

Oh, and foxes are better than everyone.  http://fabte.ytmnd.com   Solid proof.

Look what I got for Christmas-

A brand new 2008 Chevy Equinox AWD!

This thing has more techno gadgets in it than I know what to do with. Has its own built in phone service, on star, it emails me every week to let me know how its doing, just amazing. And just in time too- I took delivery of it yesterday morning, just before the huge snowstorm hit the midwest, and buried us under a foot and a half of snow!  Took these pictures of it after we got the driveway cleared out, which took all morning. Then the sun comes out, and melts most of whats left... go figure.  The Suzuki and the Aveo are both gone now, I sold them both, buying this.

The new truck also means I have left the street racing scene. With the concerns of my friends and those close to me about my weekend racing, it was time to make a positive change in my life. I want to say thank you to everyone who's been so awesome, and given me so much support over these last few months.

Thank you.

So my ex-girlfriend wanted me to go to this dive bar called "DC's Country Junction" to celebrate her birthday. She seems to forget that she 'didn't want to date some weird fox guy because we're too different' and 'you never have enough time because of school' but was okay with her new alcoholic boyfriend, who neither works nor attends school.

"Hi, Reynard. Saturday is my birthday, are you going to come along to DC's?"

"No."

"Why not? You never go anywhere with me anymore."

*growl*

"That's because the relationship has been over for six months."

"Your'e a jerk."

"Yep."

Hahaha! You have to be kidding me!

Its been a long two days at work already this week- hard to adjust back into the routine after being away for so long.  Although at the same time, I do feel more refreshed and relaxed than I did.

So winter apparently arrived the other night. Since Sunday, we've had random snow flurries and temps below freezing. In a few weeks it'll be Christmas again, and for the first time in a long time it actually feels just right.  While eating dinner tonight, I caught the Charlie Brown Christmas Special on TV, still my all time favorite.

So I spent the weekend down at Tora's place, it was a nice finish to a crazy two weeks of furry self-expression. We went fursuiting at the local supermarket, in my realistic fox suit, and Tora's friend Colt's jackal suit. It was hilarious fun talking to and interacting with the people in the store, and their bewildered looks.

One little boy came up to me, looked right at me, and just grinned when I said "hello" to him.

"Are you a real fox?" he asked.

Obligingly I told him, "Yes, I am."

I wanted to take a moment out of my busy holiday, and wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving.

Its been quite a year for this fox, with a lot of struggles, changes, and new opportunities, none of which I would have been able to accomplish without the support of my friends. I want to say how thankful I am for all of you.

Wherever you are tonight, and with whomever you are with, take a moment to think about the people in your life that you are thankful  for. 


I'm alive because-
On the way down,
I saw you and you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
And on the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you...

Now, to set my paws to some of that turkey!